Why Your Relationship Struggles Are in Your Nerves (Not Your Head)
I recently started reading How to be the Love you seek by Dr. Nicole Lepera (The Holistic Psychologist), I found this book to be so informative and helpful in explaining what is happening internally that is impacting the ability to have the relationships we would like, below I will explain and explore some of the concepts discussed in the book. I highly recommend this book for anyone that would like to dig deeper in understanding themselves and loved ones. I hope you enjoy this blog!
Have you ever felt your heart race during a minor disagreement, or found yourself "shutting down" when your partner asks to talk? In her book How to Be the Love You Seek, Dr. Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist) explains that our relationship patterns are often governed by our Nervous System. Understanding this is a game-changer. It moves us from blaming ourselves for being "reactive" to understanding how our bodies are trying to keep us safe.
Our earliest relationships wire our internal "smoke detector" a process called Neuroception. This subconscious system scans the world for safety or danger. If you grew up in a home with chaos or unpredictability, your nervous system may have become "addicted" to the biochemical rush of cortisol and adrenaline. In other words, “Our nervous system will always prefer the familiar over the unknown." — Dr. Nicole LePera
The Science of the "Safety Ladder"
To understand how we relate to others, we look at Polyvagal Theory. Think of your nervous system as a ladder with three primary zones:
Ventral Vagal (The Connector): This is the state of safety. Your heart rate is regulated, your breathing is deep, and you can communicate with empathy. This is the only state where true intimacy lives.
Sympathetic (The Fight or Flight): When you feel threatened, your body pumps out stress chemicals. You might become defensive or feel an urgent need to escape.
Dorsal Vagal (The Shutdown): If the stress is too much, your body "freezes" to protect itself. You might feel "spaced out," numb, or mentally far away.
The 4 Survival Modes: Which is Your "Home Base"?
When our neuroception misinterprets a partner's behavior as a threat, we usually fall into one of four "Modes." Identifying yours is the first step toward healing.
Mode Stress Response Typical Behaviors
The Eruptor Fight Nitpicking, "flying off the handle," or holding grudges to feel in control.
The Distractor Flight Overworking, ghosting, or using substances/hobbies to avoid deep feelings.
The Detacher Freeze Dissociating ("going to space"), mental blankness, and feeling "unplugged."
The Pleaser Fawn Prioritizing others' needs to avoid conflict; "peace at any price."
Why We Get Stuck in "Emotional Addiction"
If your childhood involved a "stress circuit" that was constantly activated, your bloodstream became accustomed to a cocktail of dopamine and adrenaline. As an adult, you might find a healthy, stable partner "boring" or "uncomfortable."
Your subconscious mind craves the predictable outcome of a fight because that is what it was wired to survive. This is why we often recreate the same lack of safety with others as adults, we are physiologically seeking the "rush" we've grown accustomed to.
Moving Toward "Connector Mode"
The goal of therapy and self-work isn't to never be triggered; Dr. LaPera shares it's to increase your Body Consciousness so you can return to a state of calm more quickly.
1. Build Awareness of Your "Bio-Markers"
Notice your physical shifts. Is your jaw tight? Is your breathing shallow? Simply naming the state ("I am in Eruptor mode right now") can help create a tiny gap between the feeling and the reaction.
2. The Power of the Pause
Because these responses are involuntary, you cannot "think" your way out of a triggered state. If you are dysregulated, you cannot co-regulate with a partner. Taking a 20-minute "cool down" isn't avoiding the problem; it's giving your nervous system time to return to the Ventral Vagal zone.
3. Practice "Bottom-Up" Regulation
Use physical tools to signal safety to your brain:
Deep, nourishing belly breathing.
Splashing cold water on your face.
Gentle movement or stretching to release muscle tension.
A Note for the Journey
Healing your relationships isn't just about "communication skills." It’s about teaching your body that it is safe to be seen, safe to be vulnerable, and safe to be loved. By moving out of survival mode, you finally open up the space to build the authentic connection you've been seeking.
Disclaimer: This blog post is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Use of this site does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please contact your local emergency services or a crisis hotline immediately.
Further Reading & Resources:
Book:How to Be the Love You Seek by Dr. Nicole LePera
Website:TheHolisticPsychologist.com